Summer has passed so quickly! Weeks filled with trivia, my family, my wonderful house--with camping and concerts and bike rides. All sweet. I feel much calmer today than usual--I feel that I can look back over the summer and be okay with the hours spent doing...well...not much of anything, really. It's hard for me to just accept myself without looking for something to feel guilty about. And, since I graduated, that guilt has been about not getting a job.
I still don't have a job. It's almost the middle of August. For most of my adult life, mid-August has meant the saving grace of student grant money would be rolling in--a lifeline after a summer of scraping by. That parachute isn't there this time, and it feels like the ground is approaching quickly. Or, anyway, it has felt that way all summer. But not necessarily today: today, I am sitting in my clean house, listening to music, writing a blog and breathing a little easier.
There's no reason. The world is still spinning outside, making herself busy. But today, rather than make myself feel bad for things I have no control over, I am savoring being in my house, alone. I am not obsessing about the phone not ringing. Maybe I've said Everything is going to be okay in my head so many times that I'm starting to believe.
I'm done feeling guilty. I have so much love in my life--I have so much, so much more than many in this world do. I have a dad who calls me on his lunch break just to say he misses me. I have a fiance who believes in our ability to create the world of our dreams. I have friends who would do anything to know that I am happy. Just thinking about that makes my blood feel like champagne.
This is probably just an optimistic moment: I get those sometimes. But it feels nice. It feels like everything is where it should be, including me. Even without a job.....
yet.
